I sleepily dragged myself out of bed, quickly got ready for my day, and came out of my room only for my nostrils to immediately be overcome by a metallic burning smell. I rushed to the kitchen to find that my 10-year-old had fried not only her eggs, but the pan itself.
My husband had left just 15 minutes prior for work. That was enough time for her to decide that she had been abandoned forever and must take it upon herself to cook breakfast. She tossed the eggshells in a garbage can that someone had left bagless. As she cleaned out the egg guts, she neglected the stove long enough for the handle of the pan to melt. The smell lingered into the next day.
Overwhelmed. I usually feel it the moment my alarm goes off. If my children are up before me on any given day, chaos has already won.
How do I even begin to reflect on peace when my life is anything but peaceful?
In our home, we have children who come from chaos. And they are a mixture of those who are comfortable in chaos, who purposely create chaos because that is what feels safe, and those who long for peace and escape from chaos. I am among those who long for peace in our home.
A common phrase that I say to my husband over the phone when I am on the edge of a mental breakdown is this: “It’s every second of every day.”
One day this past week, I decided to text my husband anytime I felt overwhelmed, my most frequent feeling these days. Here are some of my messages to him:
“I slept on a freaking marble. I kept feeling pain. And “slept” is a generous term for what happened during the past 6 hours.”
“The twins have been throwing tantrums all morning.”
“Piper (puppy) just found a snickers bar wrapper. So now someone’s stealing candy.”
“Piper has diarrhea.”
“Piper just ate a toy I told someone to put away days ago.”
“Our garage smells like a sewer fart. It smelled outside last night so I hope the smell just got in here and isn’t coming from within.”
“A child is crying for the 2nd time because I told her to fold her pajamas.”
“I got to take a shower! It was freezing cold after our children took their luxurious bubblebaths, but I got to take a shower!”
“Trying to have a quiet time while child blasts her audiobook in the hallway. She’s been told to go to her room 100x.”
“Now twin A is making noises to drive twin E crazy. It’s working, he’s throwing a fit over it. She’s now on the stairs for the remainder of quiet time. Older child is on phone talking. Not sure how this is quiet time.”
“I found a tiny magnet on the floor again and worry for puppy and child-who-puts-things-in-mouth swallowing it.”
“I found the decorative candle from my grandma with its tiny snowflakes ripped off. The child who I know did it lied about it.”
“The covering on the kitchen stool has growing holes in it due to the same child ripping the vinyl off of it. Soon, there will be no covering left. We are close to that day.”
I have been seeking peace in the midst of chaos. Sometimes this involves a cup of tea while teaching an English lesson. Or sending the kids outside for five minutes while I make them a surprise snack. Or a longer than necessary bathroom break. What if instead there was chaos in the midst of peace?
I have been reading Philippians 4 on repeat. I will post it below for your reference. This came about from a word search on the word “peace”. I found both phrases in this passage: “The peace of God” and “the God of peace”.
It is not lost on me that it is women who are laboring side by side with Paul when he writes this encouraging letter about acquiring the peace of God. Maybe they had a bunch of children at home too.
Do you know what counteracts against anxiety? The peace of God. That’s right. The peace of God is the antidote to anxiety. And it is “beyond our understanding”, which means that it “surpasses every (human) reason, in its power to relieve anxiety.”*
Don’t you just love that word picture? So how do we acquire this peace that is beyond our understanding? The answer is right in this passage. We pray and let our requests be made known to God.
Will you join me in practicing this type of prayer throughout the chaos of our days? I have begun to write down the things that are weighing on me at the beginning of each day before releasing each thing to God.
That’s fine for before I even see my children in the morning, but what about seemingly minute-by-minute things that bring me stress? Just like I sent text messages throughout the day, I have also tried to write them down as they happen. This can become a sort of releasing prayer as well if I let it. I can go back and hopefully laugh at some of the crazy things that happen, but also see what things I need to work on with my children.
I hope that this helps some. I know the work of motherhood is hard. I know the chaos trauma can bring is harder still. Remember the promise is this: The God of peace will be with you. And we could all use a little more peace.
Philippians 4:1–9 (ESV): Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved.
Exhortation, Encouragement, and Prayer
2 I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. 3 Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
*Philippians 4:7 (WSNT): Peace of God. As the antidote to anxiety, ver. 6.
*Passes understanding: which surpasses every (human) reason, in its power to relieve anxiety
Mindy, I am sending you a big hug and blessings. It must be so hard to navigate it all. I admire your strength and resilience. The love of my life passed away and his funeral service was this past Saturday. I find it so hard to find peace among the turmoil, especially at this time of year. I also like to recite Philippians 4: 1-9. You're not alone! Thank you for sharing!
Mindy, thank you so much for your kind comment. It meant a lot to me. Sending you peace and joy now and always.