I’m going to share something adoptive mom to adoptive mom.
It’s not normal.
I sat on the couch, sharing my anguish over how I overanalyze whether my children’s behavior is trauma related or normal childish behavior.
Our family’s adoption therapist quietly interjected, “It’s trauma.”
Finally. It only took two years for someone to tell me the honest truth.
Of course, most parents don’t know the difference because their children haven’t experienced the level of trauma that my children have. Yes, it is normal for a child to throw a tantrum. It may even be normal to throw a tantrum during a transition from one activity to another. But my child throws tantrums when asked to wash hands after eating. Every. Single. Time. Something is there that cannot be ignored.
It took me months to even make the connection that hand-washing IS a transition. To me, washing grimy hands after a meal is not only a good habit, but it is something I expect from my children every time they finish eating. The stained walls and greasy banister in my home are just two reasons why.
I started to change my approach. Instead of saying, “Wash your hands,” I started to say, “Look me in the eyes. I’m going to ask you to do something. I need you to obey without throwing a fit, so if you need help, just ask for help. Ready? It’s time to wash your hands.”
Do I always remember to get my child’s full attention with eye contact, calmly explain that I’m there if they need help, and then finally ask them to do the simple task? No. I don’t. And I don’t always have the patience. It is so much easier to tell everyone at once, “Clear your plate and wash your hands.” But if, for whatever reason, it causes a tantrum, then it is worth the extra thirty seconds to change my habit of barking orders at the masses.
Let’s go back to overanalyzing behavior. Am I the only one? What is it about washing hands? Is it normal for a small child to hate taking the time to wash their hands? Is it the fear of getting sick? We see and use hand sanitizer everywhere we go, and have learned about germs on a whole new level these last few years. Is that part of the problem? Is something unknown to me triggering my child? The smell of soap, being in a bathroom, or at a sink? Is the brain unable to make simple transitions because of childhood trauma? I mean, really? Who’s to ever know?
These are the things that keep me awake at night while I’m trying to help my growing children fit into a world that doesn’t seem to work for them in quite the same way it does for other children.
The holidays only seem to compound the effects of trauma. I see you. I stand with you. I AM you. Solidarity 👊 💓